I painted a few portraits of my oldest son this past summer.
Here are a few more funny (to me at least) things he’s said over the years.
At 6 years old:
Hugo: you might not know this because it’s a secret, but I’m not religious. There’s a chance I don’t believe in Santa.
Mom: The reason I don’t want you building a fort out of the couch is you never put it back together.
Hugo: The solution is to just leave it.
Hugo: I don’t know where this Aero bar goes back on the shelf. Perhaps we can put it in our shopping basket?
Mom: now that the baby’s bigger we can spend more time together just the two of us…
Hugo: it’s okay mom, you’re not that much fun
Hugo: can I eat ice cream in the bedroom? I promise I won’t make a mess.
Mom: did you already break your promise?
Hugo: I didn’t. I meant less mess than usual.
Mom: how old are you going to be?
Mom: is 6 big?
Hugo: no 5 is big, 6 is puberty.
Hugo: mom, I have a question that you might not know the answer to, but how does the male sperm get to the female egg? I have a theory. I think it goes through the mouth because it needs liquid. Is that right? Can we check it on the computer?
Mom: go put on some pants.
Hugo: pussy pants? I’m not sure I understand that, but I could search the web for you.
Daddy: Wesley, you’re the only one formally dressed.
Hugo: yeah, he’s dressed like a servant, he should fetch us our drinks.
Hugo: if I eat my sandwich, I’m gonna puke.
Mom: if you eat it and you puke, I’ll give you $100 dollars
Hugo: nah, $100 wouldn’t fit in my piggy bank.
Hugo: Audrey says she’ll marry a girl because boys are stinky. So, I told her that means she won’t have any kids. She told me I was rude. I guess she doesn’t know how things work. She doesn’t know about the sperm and the egg…
Hugo: can there be a family with two moms?
Hugo: We should get another mom.
Hugo: One that can make triplets, so we can have a bigger family to play Monopoly.
Mom: I’m not okay with that.
Hugo: It’s okay mom, she’ll be younger than you. You can become the grandma of the family.
At 5 years old:
Hugo: the baby only takes up space.
Mom: you take up space.
Hugo: no, I’m useful.
Hugo: what’s a pube?
Mom: a hair in your genital area.
Hugo: a bear in your general area?
Mom: that’s right.
Hugo: where are you going?
Jacob: here and there.
Hugo: you mean there and here since you’re already here.
Mom: Hugo, do you know any bad words?
Hugo: Yes, “pepper soup”. It’s revolting.
Hugo: dad, mom cares about my health, so you should buy me some junk food.
Hugo: here’s the secret code. You won’t be able to read it.
Mom: of course not. It’s secret.
Hugo: no, I messed up the letters.
Hugo: Wesley, I’m going to do an experiment. It has to do with gases.
Hugo: I accidentally farted in Wesley’s face. I didn’t know he was there.
Mom: isn’t that daddy’s Popsicle?
Hugo: yeah, but it’s family sized.
Hugo: I know everything except for one thing.
Mom: oh yeah, what’s 15 million minus 1?
Hugo: that’s the one thing.
Mom: someone got up on the wrong side of the bed today.
Hugo: I always get up on the same side because there’s a wall on the other side.
Mom: why is there tape on your legs?
Hugo: I need a pee shield. Pee flies on my leg sometimes.
Hugo: will the vaccine protect my brain from rotting so I can watch a lot of TV?
Hugo: my nose has lots of boogers in it, how can I get them out if not picking them?
Hugo: it snowed! We’re going to have to go out the window!
Mom: why are you licking the fridge?
Hugo: I’m spreading lime solution to keep away the mosquitoes.
Hugo: it’s 5:45… it’s 5:51… it’s 6:01…
Mom: why do you keep checking the time?
Hugo: just making sure it’s not bed time.
At 4 years old:
Sebi: your [Christmas] tree smells nice.
Hugo: the tree smells regular, it’s my hair spray.
Mom: time to turn off the light.
Hugo: I. Am. A. Robot. My. Turn. Off. The. Light. Button. Popped. Off. Thank. You. Beep. Beep.
Hugo: this truck deroaded.
Mom: you mean derailed.
Hugo: no, it fell off the road.
Hugo: I need you to sign me up for computer password lessons.
Hugo: shall we buy make-up for you?
Hugo: black, red and purple.
Mom: what would I do with the black?
Hugo: put it on your forehead, so you can be batman.
Mom: … no taking anything from strangers, no going with strangers …
Hugo: or I could just ask their name
Jacob: do you know what I do?
Hugo: you’re a programmer.
Jacob: oh, you know. Do you know what a programmer does?
Hugo: you make money.
Jacob: shall we get mama a present?
Hugo: no, she already has everything. She has a mop.
Hugo: don’t want that.
Hugo: I want it now.
Mom: we’re going in circles.
Hugo: no mom, we’re going in ovals.
Hugo: when I’m 101, I’ll be big like a giant and I won’t speak Canadian anymore, I’ll speak: fee fie foe fum.
Hugo waves energetically to a teen boy.
Mom: do you know him?
Hugo: not yet.
Hugo: this is the bicycle unit.
Jacob: also known as the wheel.
Hugo: they call it a unit in Quebec.
Hugo: Do you like my policeman hat?
Zoey: No. Do you like my barbie?
Zoey: Do you want to play with my barbie?
Hugo: No. I only rescue princesses I don’t play with them.
Mom: Hugo, do you want to learn Romanian?
Hugo: No. Mama, do you want to learn English?
Hugo: Mama, I need your glasses to pinch my nose for when I start the farts.